Friday, July 15, 2011


About 6 months ago a great friend of mine did a theatre piece that had a profound emotional impact on me....I was affected for more reasons than I can possibly go into right now, but one concept in particular has been replaying in my mind daily ever since - and it has caused me to pull apart every aspect I can of myself & my life, trying to examine and inspect the authentic truth...going deeper and deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole....

......if you live by a code - shaped out of "learning" from your past experiences - and that code demands that you impede certain things in service of maintaining the code - the code itself designed to offer protection & stability....are you living by a code or are you really living a life governed by fear?

What was revealed to me is that I have defined a great number of codes that are really just a bunch of fears that keep me in a position of silencing my authentic self and core needs/desires. Codes that were established in an effort to do the exact opposite - to ensure the CULTIVATION & GROWTH of my authentic self and core needs/desires....oh, the irony....

Like every human I come with a lot of baggage - we come in with baggage (chemical, genetic, etc) and on top we pile some more (emotional, psychological, physical, environmental, cultural).......and also, like every human, I come with an amazing super power...several of them actually, but one of the most important I think, is the SUPER power of perspective.

Rejection - endless some form or another...familial, personal, professional - like most, I could give you a long list...

ever wonder why I am a relentless supporter of the underdog - why I spend so much energy and time trying to look into all types of people to see their authentic contribution as a global citizen?

I have always been the underdog. The last kid picked for the team. The person mocked openly, and daily, as I was growing up. The one told my dreams were stupid and irresponsible. The one told I wasn't capable - not smart enough, not talented enough......"not enough".......................and the funny part when I put it all on the table is simultaneously, while living a life being told I'm "not enough" of whatever it is, I have simultaneously been told I'm "too much" ...................too loud, too weird, too intense, speak too many words, want too much, too too too....

all the while the little beth inside knowing the truth and trying desperately to advocate for our team - I'm just me. I am great like every other human. I have a voice. I have a vision. I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am human - I am worthy of existence.

There have been amazing things that have come out of that development - it spawned a creature that constantly builds structures and hubs for other misfits....a person with ample energy to build a life not determined by the efforts or lack of contribution/interest from any other individual - self propelled of my own volition, in spite of the odds...
I build my own toys so I don't have to rely on anyone else to be able to play...

But inside I carry a lot of fear.
and insecurity.

We all do. We are human.
I'm just trying to call it out - to face the truth.

I do make a lot of decisions out of fear - most of them decisions to NOT do something or not participate in something I want or I am inclined to do.
A voice that tells me to just stop now and not go a step further - to constantly let things go, stop trying, detach, disconnect.....and obviously I've fought that for a long time.....
but the way I have learned to combat the fear is to become's the only way I could muster the courage to face it - just turn and run head strong into it - like a samurai getting ready to take off someone's head or die trying.

but I've reached a new point.
no confrontation.

The objective - FUCK FEAR.

Make it your proverbial bitch.

It's not going anywhere, it's a natural part of your humanity, but there is a healthy way to deal with it.
Don't fight it and don't give in to it either.

Work it. Let it move through you.
Let it take you places, let it show you where you really are - what reality really is.

Ride it.
and much like floating in the ocean, relax and let your body hover. Let yourself be taken by that which you are seeking.
If you tense up you will sink and drown.

Stop trying to run away from yourself.
Stop holding yourself.
Stop fighting yourself and everyone else.

I am making an effort to live my life based on the things I want - not based reactively on the things I am given.
Behave the way I want to be treated, in the life I want to experience, not just behave as a reflection of my fears or in reaction to the fears and actions of others.
Not making choices and decisions governed, or restricted, by the past.


I think true communication is void of assumption....assumption having been constructed out of past interactions and shaped by selecting possibilities out of cumulative knowledge of past experiences. Assumption is limited. Possibility is infinite.

You see what you want to see.

Every day is a new day. and as my grandfather use to tell me each morning on the way to school: You can't get this day back.
Good or bad - you can't get this day back.

Learn from the past, but don't get trapped there.
Please face forward and FUCK FEAR.

1 comment:

  1. This is a great post, Beth! Reminds me of Pema Chodron. Have you ever read any of her writing? If not, I highly recommend it. I have a couple I can loan you. It will resonate.